


No Rest for the Weary

by Skyedestiny



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-30 10:33:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10161233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyedestiny/pseuds/Skyedestiny
Summary: It’s been a long while since Rey has had the opportunity to sleep.  And by the time she gets the chance, it feels like she’s been awake for longer than some people have been alive.  Actually, much longer.  It’s impossible - she knows it is - but Rey feels as if she’s been awake for something close to a thousand years.  Like she is suddenly so much older than she was, as if all of the jarring and jolting things she’s been through have aged her years and years ahead, despite how much time has actually passed.  And yet, somehow, she isn’t tired.  Not a bit.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [Originally posted on March 13, 2016.]
> 
> This was written after a request, made by an anonymous user on tumblr, for 'Rey's first night on the millennium falcon'. Apparently I felt like breaking my own heart. Sorry, guys - I promise I've written more uplifting things too! Those will be up soon. But for now, enjoy this intense pain??

It’s been a long while since Rey has had the opportunity to sleep. And by the time she gets the chance, it feels like she’s been awake for longer than some people have been alive. Actually, much longer. It’s impossible - she knows it is - but Rey feels as if she’s been awake for something close to a thousand years. Like she is suddenly so much older than she was, as if all of the jarring and jolting things she’s been through have aged her years and years ahead, despite how much time has actually passed.

And yet, somehow, she isn’t tired. Not a bit.

It’s when they’re on their way back to the Ileenium System - back to D’Qar and the Resistance Base after Starkiller. Now that Rey, Finn (unconscious, but stable), and Chewbacca have made it out and away, silence has settled over the cabin. It is nothing close to peaceful, serene, or triumphant. It is a sharp sort of thing, like each second has a physical edge on it, a blade. Like a shock that has gradually set in instead of fading off, akin to falling into an ice cold lake in slow motion. It is a sensation that only worsens as the time passes.

Rey stares, wide-eyed, into nothingness. It’s clear she’s not ‘present’ and is, instead, somewhere very far off. She is rigid, poised like a statue frozen in motion, and Chewbacca stares over her worriedly, sadly. It was unquestionable that Han’s death hit him hard too. But Rey..

Even though things had happened since then, it looks like she’s been pulled back to the moment and like she can’t escape it. He can tell from her glassy, unseeing eyes, that that’s where she is - back on Starkiller, back in time, on the catwalks. It was only a faint recognition from Chewie at the time - the shriek of ‘No!!’ He hadn’t been able to process much beyond what had happened, but he had heard and seen it all.

True to Chewie’s assumptions, that’s where Rey is. That very moment. Where the father who had come back for her when her real one hadn’t approached the monster in the mask, the nightmare, without fear. A moment initiated with a piercing call filled with nothing but love and gentleness. It would’ve been cemented in time however it had turned out.

She listens as the words echo in her head, words she would have treasured to hear from her own family. It is clear, at once, how much Han Solo loves this boy, his son. There’s a stab of envy in Rey’s chest. But, instantly after, something infinitely stronger: she feels lucky to know this man, this family, who can love so fearlessly and unconditionally.

And then it’s all ripped away in a second. As the sun is blotted out, _everything_ goes red. Her cry is instinctive and it’s only Finn’s steadying hand that stops her from throwing all her energy into something careless - either collapsing to her knees, or jumping over the edge of the catwalk to make an impossible effort to save the man who is, inescapably, dead at this point.

Still, Han uses his last bit of energy - his last bit of life - to caress his son’s face. Still just love, still only ever love in his touch. Love and forgiveness. And in that span of time, she hears everything Han’s ever said to her over again.

Then he’s gone, and he takes all sound with him.

Finn’s being wounded takes everything else.

Back in the Falcon, back in the present, Rey is not _completely_ still. Her hands, stuck to the controls, shake. Her lips quiver. She can’t cry, but it’s only because things are frozen around her.

Chewie’s heart breaks for her and he calls to her quietly, gently. A furry hand rests on her back, and she is pulled, with a jolt, back to the now. Chewie tilts his head at Rey.

It’s a long moment before Rey can speak to say anything at all. And when she does, all she says is: “I’m sorry.” It’s not grief-stricken. It’s almost hollow-sounding, even though she means it. It’s like she still isn’t all the way back to the right time. The apology sounds for an infinitesimal number of things, though, including the fact that she can’t pull herself all the way back to the present.

The wookiee issues another gentle call.

“No.” Rey blinks, shakes her head. “No, I’m fine.” She already sounds more like herself, but Chewbacca can tell that this is only an effort made to reduce his worry, to reassure him that she’s fine.

After all, what right does _she_ have, Rey feels, to break down in front of _him_?

Chewbacca reassures her. He presses his hand with a little more pressure onto her back, gives her a comforting pat. She should not be ashamed to feel however she feels right now. He repeats his words: she should get some rest; he can fly.

“No, no, no.” She shakes her head, a little too rapidly. Her words come with a slightly sharp edge, as if this is something she _has_ to do, beyond wanting it. There’s something childlike about such emotional conviction. “No, I’m fine. I promise. Really.”

Rey doesn’t sleep until they get to D’Qar. The embrace she shares with General Organa signals the end of the repeating moment. It lets her go, for now. Acquires all the distance of a ghost.

After Finn is checked in with the medical team and she’s brought to her room, Rey falls to her knees and sobs. She has a bed. The first proper one she can ever recall having in her life. She ends up falling asleep in her spot on the floor.

She sleeps for a whole day through.


End file.
